Dealing With Family Conflict
Therapy for Relationship Issues & People Pleasing in Colorado Springs
One of the biggest issues that brings people to therapy is family conflict
People often show up in my office trying to navigate a difficult relationship where it feels hard - or impossible - to set the right boundaries. Sometimes this is a marital issue and sometimes it's a family of origin issue. Whatever family conflict is showing up and causing problems, in therapy we walk together through a step by step process to identify relationship dynamics, what information those dynamics give us about where boundaries are needed, what boundaries feel best to implement, and how to communicate and follow through on the new boundaries. And we work through the inevitably hard feelings involved in this process as we go.
One of the most common points of family conflict is in parent/child relationships
At all ages through the lifespan, the parent/child relationship can be strained with so many different issues. Parents often struggle with knowing how to manage behaviors or set limits with young children. Parents and teens usually butt heads in one way or another as teens strive for independence and parents are unsure where and when to let go. Adult children often feel confused and overwhelmed by recognizing relationship patterns with their parents they want to change, but feeling powerless to do so.
This can be complicated and painful because our family relationships are usually our most important, and we want them to feel safe and close
A major barrier to the parent/child relationship feeling close and safe is misunderstanding how the relationship needs to change and evolve over time.
I remember when my first child was born. I was a new mom and all I wanted to do was hold her. I held her pretty much all day, every day. Until one day she started squirming around as if to say, "Let me down, I want to move."
In that moment I realized we were entering a new stage. Mobility. She realized there was a whole world outside of my arms and she wanted to explore. I had to adapt and figure out what she, and our relationship, needed next. It struck me that parenting is a series of transitions, recognizing when one developmental stage is ending and a new one is beginning.
Not recognizing that a transition has occurred and the relationship needs to evolve is where a lot of problems arise in parent/child relationships
I always say there are basically three main tasks of raising children that I call Parenting, Mentoring, and Befriending. At each developmental stage, the proportion of these parenting tasks changes.
One day as a client and I talked about their strained relationship with their parents as an adult, this graph popped into my mind as a visual of common transition points that can be missed between parents and their children and cause problems, and I sketched it out.
I'll give the disclaimer this was a crude and quick sketch to illustrate a point, not something that's set in stone. Every child, every parent, and every family is different so these ages and stages will vary, but you get the idea. A lot of problems arise when a parent is trying to "befriend" way too early, or when they're trying to "parent" way too late. A lot of times the "mentoring" stage - advising, influencing, and guiding while also granting increased independence and some room to make mistakes - is missed altogether.
Of course there are many things that can cause relationship problems in families, but this is a major one. Understanding transition points and how relationships change over time between parents and children can help to determine where boundaries may be missing and what boundaries could help.
