Your Superpower for Parenting Teens
Current situation: I live with two teenage daughters.
Pray for me.
I'm kidding. Well sort of.
I actually love parenting teens. I think we all have our stage of development in our children's lives where we really shine. Some people love the baby stage. Some people come alive with their school age kids. So far I love parenting teens the best.
It's the hard questions, the gritty problems, the messy conversations... that's kind of my thing. It's how hilarious they are, and how they finally understand that I'm pretty funny too. It's getting to form a different kind of relationship with them now that they're developing more of their own identity.
But then there's the other side... the bad attitudes... the high emotions... the lashing out... the mood swings... things can feel so unpredictable from one moment to the next. And it can be hard on my heart.
Enter the parenting superpower that can positively carry us through the teen years of parenting:
I call it “The Art of Not Reacting”
How to “Not React”
One thing I try to keep in mind is that these teens are pretty much going through life with half a brain at this time. They just don't have that prefrontal cortex development that gives them the ability to reason with logic, control impulses, and problem solve consistently. Also, there's hormones. A book I love that describes this in helpful detail is Brainstorm, by Daniel Siegel.
Everything is changing so much, their inner world can be a roller coaster... so it's no wonder we're often left feeling like we're on an absolute ride of ups and downs.
But the less I react, the less I get caught up in the emotional whirlwind, the less I lecture, the more quickly the storms pass. The more I stay calm, the more I control my own emotions, and the more I just listen, the sooner the wild ride slows down.
The just listening is the biggest key.
I'll admit this doesn't always come easily to me. I've had to work to become a non-reactor. And I don't do it perfectly. (As a secret between you and me, no one is parenting perfectly, not even the ones who look like they are... and thankfully our kids really don't need perfection).
So how does The Art of Not Reacting work? There’s a few keys that are important…
Not Reacting does not mean “no boundaries”
Our teens need boundaries and the predictability of knowing what to expect more than ever. But the boundaries are different now at this stage. We communicate the parameters and expectations for our kids, deciding these things with their input when appropriate, and then give them some latitude to decide how to operate within those parameters and meet those expectations with their own choices. And we let them fail because sometimes that's how they learn.
For example...
What grades do you expect yourself to make? This is our expectation. As long as you meet the expectations we've agreed on, you keep your privileges/activities/what's important to you/etc.
Here's how you're expected to contribute to our household duties. You can do it when and how you want, but it must be done to have screen time.
What do you think is a healthy use of your phone? Okay, here's the limits we're putting in place. If you move outside those limits, then you lose your phone.
You get the point. Boundaries, but more freedom to operate within them as they're older. And clear consequences for choices that belong to them.
Not reacting means listening and taking care with our responses
I have found that often my kids just need to vent and let it out. This is not my favorite thing to listen to at the end of a long day (and why does it always happen late at night?), but it helps them calm that highly emotional part of their brain that is not always well regulated during the teen years. I've noticed that listening first and then asking permission to share thoughts before just inserting my opinion is perceived less like a lecture and more like an invitation...
"Do you want to know what I think?"
They almost always say yes, and then their defenses are down. Sometimes they say no and I have to bite my tongue, which is hard and hurts. But there's often an open door to have a conversation about it later when their mood is more level.
Not Reacting means creating a mistake-friendly environment
In the book The Gift of Failure, author Jessica Lahey shares that it's so important to let our kids fail, experience consequences, and learn while the stakes are low and they have our help. This is easier to do if the boundaries and expectations, with resulting consequences for not upholding them, are clearly communicated up front. Now it's easier to just follow through without high emotion in response to the inevitable mistakes that will be made.
Parenting teens is hard. Accept that. Go easy on yourself. We never know what curveball they'll throw us next! But stick “The Art of Not Reacting” in your back pocket, pull it out and see what happens the next time you're on the roller coaster, and then use it, imperfectly, as you remember.
