How Internal Conflict Creates Anxiety & What to Do About It
Anxiety Therapy in Colorado Springs
We’ve all had the experience of feeling like… “A part of me wants this, but a part of me doesn’t”
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings at times about a variety of different things, ranging from what to have for dinner to how you feel about a significant relationship.
Some internal conflicts are easy to notice and navigate without much distress - like which restaurant you choose for a Friday night out. But other internal conflicts can feel overwhelming.
What internal conflict feels like
Internal conflict can show up in ways like…
I want to relax and let my guard down but I can’t seem to keep from having walls in place in relationships
I wish I could respond calmly in conflict but instead I react strongly and it feels out of control
I’m exhausted of always being the responsible one but if I don’t take care of everything it will fall apart
People pleasing has worn me down but if I stop making everyone happy then something bad will happen
This relationship is important to me but I also can’t live with it the way it is anymore
Inner conflict can feel downright confusing. It creates disturbance because polarized feelings lead to a sense of paralysis or perceived helplessness. This all heightens anxiety that seems to loop endlessly.
Why internal conflict creates anxiety
We all have different parts of ourselves that hold different experiences, feelings, and roles.
From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, anxiety often increases when different internal “parts” of us are in conflict with each other. Common internal parts include:
Core Self: This is the part of ourself that feels most calm, content, connected, and stable. In spite of what you’ve been through and how it has impacted you, somewhere along the way you grew into a capable adult… or else you wouldn’t be here, continuing to move forward. This Core Self is where we want to live life from the majority of the time, but it can be hard to stay connected to it - especially in the face of strong triggers or unresolved past trauma.
Wounds: When we experience something difficult, particularly in childhood, there’s a part of us that holds the associated memories and feelings from that experience. In order to survive what happened, it very often gets closed up and pushed to the background so that daily life can continue - but when something in the present reminds us of that past experience, it can come to the forefront and feel like it’s spilling out, outside of our control. People can often identify this as feeling transported back in time, “like I’m an 8 year old again” or “little me reacted before I could stop it.”
Protectors: Most of us have a part of ourself that manages day to day life, shows up at work, and has an outward facing persona that navigates situations and interactions outside of our most intimate relationships where we can just relax and be ourselves. Trauma, particularly early life trauma, can cause these protective and manager parts to be very strong. Protectors can show up in the form of over-functioning, taking on too much responsibility, perfectionism, people pleasing, control, and hypervigilance. They are working overtime to prevent wounded parts from coming to the surface - and they’re usually exhausted. Protector parts often feel like identity - this is who I am - but in reality they are a part of who we are, trying to keep us safe.
Most people feel very frustrated with these parts and the internal conflict they can create. They want to shut down or shush the parts that hold pain. But the goal is to integrate these parts - to accept each one and help them work together. There are no “bad” parts, they are all trying to do a job to help you survive and keep you safe in the process.
How to calm anxiety when parts are in conflict
Accepting each part and helping them “talk” to each other reduces much of the anxiety that comes from inner conflict - I like to think about this like driving kids in a car.
Picture driving your car on a road trip, and you’ve got young children in the backseat. You need to hear what those kids are saying, it’s information about decisions you need to make as the driver. So if someone says, “I have to pee,” or “I’m hungry,” or “I’m going to throw up!” you need to know that, you’re going to want to adjust your trip accordingly. But you’re not going to put the kid in the driver seat to get you where you’re going - as the adult and the driver, you’re going to make decisions that are best for the entire carload.
You ultimately want your Core Self to be driving the car, with your Wounds and Protectors in the back seat. When the wounded or protector parts have feelings or urges or requests, you need to listen. You need to collect that information, consider it, and then use it to make a decision about what to do next.
Parts that are ignored tend to get louder, more upset, and more reactive, but parts that are heard tend to feel soothed, seen, validated, and cared for so they can relax - just like kids in a car.
A few things you can do to tune into parts of self and soothe anxiety…
When triggered or overwhelmed, use nervous system calming skills - like breathing, grounding, and resourcing - to quiet the mind and body, and return to Core Self
When protectors show up, turn towards the “backseat” and ask for more information - what do you need right now, what do you want me to know, what are you worried about, what would make you feel safe? Parts that feel heard can relax and allow your Core Self to “drive the car.”
When wounded parts are triggered, especially younger parts, offer compassion. Imagine how you would respond to a hurting child in front of you… you likely wouldn’t say things like, “You’re ridiculous,” “Get up and get over it,” “Why are you so stupid,” etc. You would probably offer comfort, care, and help with regulation. Doing this for your own “inner child” can make a world of difference in calming strong reactions.
You can even visualize putting these parts together somewhere and facilitating a conversation - like a car, or a meeting room, or a special place that feels calming. Creating an inner dialogue between parts often diffuses anxiety quickly.
This can be hard to do on your own. In therapy we can work with different parts to identify and understand them, and to strengthen your sense of Core Self. Approaches like EMDR can help to gently heal the wounded parts so there is less emotional overwhelm or sensitivity to triggers moving forward.
Anxiety is not a sign that something is wrong with you - most often, it’s a sign that different parts of you are carrying different fears, needs, and responsibilities at the same time. Learning to listen to those parts with curiosity and compassion, instead of fighting them, can reduce internal conflict and create a greater sense of calm, clarity, and emotional regulation.
