What to Do When You Feel Out of Control
Feeling stuck in a situation you can’t control can be overwhelming - whether it’s a relationship, a work situation, or something that simply isn’t changing, it’s often hard to know what to do next
Right after I graduated from college, I was living in a cozy little apartment, and I loved it. Everything was great - except for one small problem.
I stopped getting my mail.
People started reaching out to me saying, “Hey, I sent you a card, did you get it?” or “I sent you a gift,” and sometimes even “I sent you a check.” And I had to say, no, I hadn’t received anything.
Then I started noticing I wasn’t getting my magazines anymore either (this probably dates me, it was the days when people read magazines to zone out instead of scrolling social media…).
So finally, one day, I called the post office.
A woman answered, and I said, “Hi, I’m not getting my mail.” She asked for my address, I could hear her typing on the other end of the phone, and then in a very confident tone she said, “Ohhhh! Okay. I know what your problem is.”
Relieved to have it figured out I said, “Great. What’s the problem?”
She said, “You have a mail carrier with a bad attitude.”
I paused. “What does that mean?”
She said, “We have a lot of problems with this mail carrier. It’s not just you. But you’re not going to get your mail.”
Stunned, I said, “I think that’s illegal. I need to be getting my mail, people are sending me important things.”
And she said, “There’s nothing we can do about it,” and hung up on me. End of conversation. No potential solutions.
So here I am, needing to get my mail, and I’ve got a mail carrier with a bad attitude - and apparently there’s nothing I can do about it.
It felt like I was stuck in an impossible situation.
There are many situations that can leave us stuck and feeling out of control
There are times we truly can’t control what’s happening in our circumstances. We can’t ever control other people, their decisions, or how they choose to behave. But when we know something isn’t working, something needs to change, but we can’t personally fix it - it can feel extremely overwhelming, frustrating, and even hopeless at times.
So what do you do when you’re stuck in something you can’t control? There are a few different ways to approach it, depending on the situation.
Sometimes it’s relational. You may need to understand what’s happening, accept the reality of what’s showing up in the relationship, use that understanding and acceptance to set boundaries, and make choices to move forward - even if the other person doesn’t change.
Sometimes it’s about waiting. You’ve worked for something, hoped for something, and it just isn’t happening yet. In those cases, practical ways to process and work through intense grief and disappointment are important so that emotions and hopelessness don’t become overwhelming.
Sometimes you’re in a situation where you’re being treated poorly. Maybe there's a work or family situation that you're stuck in. It keeps you in a constant state of being on edge and on high alert, preparing for the worst to happen. In those moments, learning how to calm and regulate the nervous system, clear the mind enough to think clearly and make decisions, and then choose courses of action that restore a sense of control can help.
None of this is easy. All of it can be stressful and emotional.
What to do when you feel stuck and can’t control the situation
When you feel stuck in something you can’t control, the goal isn’t to control the situation - it’s to regain a sense of control over yourself and what you do next. This isn’t exhaustive, but a few simple starting points…
1. Accept what you can’t control so you can focus on what you can
Sometimes the situation itself isn’t immediately changeable, but how you respond to it is. Even though it can be difficult emotionally to accept what you can’t control, it can also be tremendously relieving to acknowledge it and redirect your energy to regaining a sense of control over yourself, your decisions, and your life.
2. Regulate your nervous system before trying to solve the problem
When you’re overwhelmed or on edge, it’s much harder to think clearly and make decisions that move you forward. Taking a step back to calm the body and the nervous system can restore clarity, logical thinking, and a sense of safety so that it feels easier to choose positive action.
3. Don’t try to figure it out alone - outside perspective creates clarity
An outside perspective can help you see options you didn’t know were there, and sometimes point you toward a path forward that’s hard to see on your own. Often when we feel stuck, what helps the most is having someone outside the situation to talk to - someone who can help sort through what’s happening and figure out next steps
You really don’t need to have everything figured out all at once - and trying to can feel overwhelming and impossible. You just need to know: What’s the next step to take?
In therapy, we can work together to break big problems down into simple, actionable steps that gently help you find a way forward
So here’s what happened with my mail carrier - the story makes me laugh now, but at the time it felt very out of control. I was stumped, I was young and didn’t have experience doing something like going head to head with the U.S. Postal Service.
I had to ask around and look for resources (it was the era of magazines, remember, it wasn’t as easy to search for information on the internet at that time). I had to take it one step at a time. I had to wait and accept that I couldn’t control my local post office, but I could control my own course of action.
Eventually, I found out that I actually had a course of action to take, I could contact my congressional representatives.
It took some time - I mean, it actually took congressional intervention. But the situation resolved.
That’s often how these situations work. They don’t change because everything is in your control, but because you keep taking the next step forward until something shifts.
