Can I Be Myself in Therapy? Creating a Space Where You Don’t Have to Perform
Therapy & EMDR for Anxiety & Trauma in Colorado Springs
Can I cuss in therapy?
I am asked this question so often by clients that I have seriously considered adding it to the FAQ page of my website. From younger clients, older clients, from all kinds of backgrounds with a variety of faith beliefs. It makes sense that a space you go into to process your most intensely emotional experiences needs to be able to hold strong words.
And the answer is… absolutely. This is your space to bring whatever thoughts, feelings and words you want to share - not a job interview.
Some clients never swear. Others do all the time. Either is completely fine. I want you to show up as yourself, not the version of yourself you think I expect.
The runner up to this question is along similar lines… is it okay to talk about politics?
Again… of course. You don't have to filter your language, worry about offending me, or try to say things the "right" way. My goal is to understand your experience as honestly as possible, and then to help make sense of it in a way that ultimately moves you towards your goals. When you talk, I’m listening through the ears of curiosity, not judgment - about your feelings and experiences, not my own.
And finally in the list of top 3 questions is… is this too much for you?
Sometimes clients worry that they will overwhelm me with their stories or feelings… that’s not a thing. It is literally my job to hear and hold the experiences you’ve been through and help find the path forward, and it will not be too much for me.
In our therapy, you get to be yourself.
All of the things clients tend to worry about when starting therapy - Can I disagree? Can I say something messy? Can I tell you that you're misunderstanding me? Do I have to manage your reaction? - are summed up in the question “Can I show up as I actually am?”
Therapy should be a place where you feel safe enough to show up as yourself. It’s usually where you end up to process experiences or relationships where a sense of safety was missing, and the therapeutic relationship should feel safe enough to support the work that needs to be done, and the hard things that need to be said. Of course, like any relationship, it can take some time to build this level of trust - but if you’re not starting to feel it after a few sessions, you may just not be with the therapist who’s the best fit for you.
When we work together in therapy, getting to be yourself means…
You can say what you want
Whether it’s putting into words a painful or traumatic experience, or using “bad” words to describe the intensity of your feelings, nothing is off limits. I won’t let either of us get hurt physically, and I’ll help you stay within a “Window of Tolerance” if emotions are starting to feel too powerful - but I will not be shocked or offended or overwhelmed by the way you share your story.
You get to be the expert on yourself
I always say that I have mental health knowledge and expertise, but you’re the expert on yourself. I recently had an experience where a professional became very argumentative with me about my own experience, and then repeatedly told me, “I’m the professional!” This is not how I view our work together - what you tell me about your own experience matters, and I won't assume I know you better than you know yourself. I’m willing to be wrong, and to work through things together so we can find what’s best for you.
You can teach me things too
So much of what I know, I’ve learned from my clients. Whether it’s obscure facts about uncommon hobbies, or different ways to use coping skills, I have files full of information in my brain that come from what people have shared with me over the years that have helped me see things differently and approach problems more creatively. I often find that I’ll share coping skills or resources with clients in the way I know them, but then clients make it their own in a way that makes me think… that’s so much better for them. Again, we’re a team - it’s the collaboration in our relationship that allows us to combine my expertise with your knowledge of you, so that we can individualize our work to your needs in a way that’s transformative.
You don’t have to take care of me
If you’re used to paying close attention to other people’s feelings and reactions, and functioning as a people pleaser, it can be hard to turn that off just because you walked into a therapy office. You may notice yourself wondering if you’re talking too much, being too negative, saying something I won’t agree with, or sharing something that will upset me. You don’t need to manage my experience of your therapy session… that’s my job. Your job is just to show up as honestly as you can.
You Don’t Have to Perform in Therapy
Therapy asks you to be honest about things you may not talk about anywhere else. That’s hard to do if you’re also trying to figure out who your therapist wants you to be.
You don’t have to be the “good” client. You don’t have to say things perfectly, agree with me, protect me from your feelings, or make sure I approve of your choices. You can swear. You can talk about politics. You can tell me I’m wrong. You can tell me something isn’t helping. You can laugh about something that probably shouldn’t be funny, cry about something you think shouldn’t matter this much, or sit quietly because you don’t know what to say yet.
You get to bring you.
And when you don’t have to spend your energy performing, filtering, or managing the person sitting across from you, we can use that energy for what you actually came to therapy to do… understand what’s happening, heal what’s hurting, and find a way forward.
